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I SAID... welcome to Orsm.net.
Feeling kind of unsettled this week. Anxiety levels are sky high and I have to refrain myself from wanting to argue with anyone that gets within 1000 feet. If I weren't so staunchly hetero I may describe this as an emotional rollercoaster. There isn't really even a good reason for it... I'm just not my usual awesome self.
A break from reality would probably do me a world of good and with two separate weekends away in the not too distant future this is a possibility. A slim one anyway. How you're supposed to enjoy a holiday if you have to spend it with people kind of defeats the purpose of taking the holiday in the first place - someone always wants to do something you don't... or go somewhere you don't... or bathroom break when you don't... or eat where you don't... and so on.
I'm choosing to forgo my well thought out opinions about any range of important social issues facing the world community this week. Instead sit back and read about the goings-on of my life. If you try hard enough it'll be like we really know each other!
The weekend was a shit pig of servile debauchery. For starters the phone rang just about constantly... or at least felt that way. Most calls started with 'Can I just ask you a quick question?' and have since had the knock of effect of making me cringe every time the damn thing makes a peep. Fuck you Apple. Fuck you and your stupid, addictive iPhone which provides my loved ones an avenue by which to harass me but I can't destroy due to the convenience and entertainment it provides.
We began Saturday by following the same old script and hit the beach bright and early. Good and bad because whilst there's less people at that time there is also not a single bikini wearing hottie to feast your eyes upon. It's almost like what's the point...? Think eating a pizza without the topping. Same thing.
With a deadline looming on the DIY project at my friends place it was time to get busy and that's how the humid and sweaty afternoon started. Hardware store first to get a length of oak then another friend's place to machine it. That inevitably lead to a couple of 'hey while you're here...' invitations to engage in manual labour. Let this be a lesson to all the kids reading. Matter of fact here are a couple: never let anyone find out you are good at general handyman tasks, never let anyone find out you are good with computers, never own a trailer or ute, always tell people your back is sore. Those pearls of wisdom will pave the way for a long and unencumbered life.
Sunday was time to head to the aforementioned friends place and finish the job. Basically the whole thing was to make a cover for a big gap where a floorboard used to be where there is a new external door. Simple enough but that's where they get you. Something which should only take an hour or two turns in to a gargantuan production. So I get started and sure enough the first major interruption comes with another trip to the hardware store required. Off we go, get everything and return an hour later. Going good by this stage... timber is fitted and just needs sanding. Out comes the belt sander and bang! the fucking belt snaps. Do we got a spare? Nope... of course not.
Decided it would just be easier to pack up all my shit and head off. I'll grab a new belt on the way. Home an hour later, get the thing sanded and it's time to varnish. Hang on... where's that tin? Pick up the phone... "Hey did I leave that tin of varnish at your place...?" "Umm... yep it's here". I gave up at that point. Something that should have been a cakewalk claimed the best part of a weekend and what's more annoying I'll be back there this Saturday finishing it.
Okay let's drop a bomb on this update and get it happening. Check it...
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- Red Bull Art - 'Telephone' Parodies
Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a DIY Virginity Test Kit - a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel." Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?" The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see', you hit her with the shovel."
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Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagain.
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A young man picks up a streetwalker and goes to her hotel. After negotiating the price for her time he decides that he wants to begin his experience by going down on her. After a few moments he comes up and spits out a piece of potato. He shrugs and dives back in as he is too horny to care. Again he pops up and this time spits out a chunk of roast beef and a bit of carrot. This too much for him. "WTF!" he cried, "Are you sick?" "No, I'm not sick." she replied, "But my last customer was!"
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A girl sat sobbing in the police station. "I was raped by an Idiot!!" she wailed. "How do you know he was an Idiot?" the detective asked. "I had to help him!" the girl replied.
ORSM
VIDEO
DEAR DIARY
DAY 1: Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
DAY 2: Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
DAY 3: This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
DAY 4: A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.
DAY 5: What absolute bliss!!
DAY 6: Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
DAY 7: This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
DAY 8: I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
DAY 9: No time to write. He might catch me.
DAY 10: Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
DAY 11: I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
DAY 12: I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ...
DAY 13: Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
DAY 14: I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.
DAY 15: I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself and he did.
DAY 16: The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
DAY 17: Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference... Christ! Here he comes again.
DAY 18: He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. Bliss!!
| SHYLA STYLEZ |
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A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.
In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realised she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"
The woman broke down and sobbed. The lady doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought".
ORSM
VIDEO
| GIRLFRIEND REVENGE |
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THE ZEN OF SARCASM
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
3. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
4. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
12. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
19. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
| BIG BEAUTIFUL BOOBS |
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A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.
| THE DARVAZA WELL |
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READER MAIL
There's been an influx of kick-ass mail filling my inbox this week. You'll see what I mean in just a moment but first if you could all see it in your hearts to submit something that would be faaaantastic. I'm not greedy - but just fucking make sure you get busy with the Ex girlfriend pics, crazy video clips, hilllllllarious jokes and any other random fodder you have lying around... or I'll start cracking skulls. Email me here.
M S wrote:
Subject: Hey Orsm
I've been a fan of the site for a while now, but I gotta ask, what's with the sudden influx of anti-Obama redneck douchebaggery that's popped up on it lately? It's a total buzzkill to be browsing the pics and porn and have to skip past some sub-moron's attempt at political humor. Please don't tell me that there are people in Australia naive enough to actually believe those tea baggers are about anything other than throwing tantrums and hating negroes...
Seems that no matter who is in power there is always propaganda circulating. Same deal for Bush except there was considerably more. If it's consolation to anybody, what gets posted is only a fraction of what is received. And before anyone accuses me of being a blind Obama follower, this is to avoid provoking what we've seen a million times - a big, boring red versus blue debate played out in Reader Mail spanning several weeks which degenerates into a long, tedious who gives a crap. -Orsm
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beermaniac wrote:
Subject: obama
I hear obama is heading down under. please keep him.
... -Orsm
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xitz wrote:
Subject: Aussie paddle pool
I can't even ford a pool?
Cost effective and practical. That is all I take from this picture. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Rye, Victoria - holiday home
Hi Orsm, Took these photos a couple of years ago in Rye, Victoria. Withhold info please.
Wonder if they're Greek... -Orsm
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Colin wrote:
Subject: Believe it or not!!!!????
Only in America.
Oddly, if he keeps atempting suicide he can probably live for many years to come. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: for inclusion maybe?
Hey Mr Orsm. found this on my travels in cyberspace and thought you might like to include it. not details for publication please. rgds + tnx
Can't think of one but there's definitely a joke here somewhere about the relatively small size of the box compared to the quantity... -Orsm
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John wrote:
Subject: Gambling Problem
I can't tell if there trying to help or increase sales?!?
Not dissimilar to the warning on a cigarette pack really. -Orsm
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terry wrote:
Subject: It's Just A catfish
It is a 3 meter (9.8ft) long man-eating catfish whose head alone is 1 meter (3.3ft) wide! After cutting up the catfish, people were surprised to find the remains of another man inside! Swimming in the reservoir is now forbidden because it is feared another similar man-eating catfish is still lurking in the waters.
I'm going with whale shark on this one. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: nude pics
Took some pics and I thought you might like them. Hide my details please.
Presentation and quality are excellent. Congratulations on your excellent vagina. -Orsm
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Jason wrote:
Subject: Marlin bill stuck in Crude oil Loading Hose off coast of Angola
These are pictures of the floating load hose on the FPSO Girassol in Angola, Africa that was pierced by a blue marlin. Load operations were shut down for a few days while they replaced the hose. For reference, this terminal produces about 250k barrels of oil a day and this loading hose is approx 24in in diameter. |
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bill wrote:
Subject: How To Park a FPV Pursuit Ute at Stillwell Ford
Ever wondered how to park a FPV Pursuit Ute?? The Apprentice mechanic at Stillwell Ford's Main North Road, Adelaide will show you how it's done in the sale yard........... Wonder if he still has a job???????
Ford drivers. Enough said. -Orsm
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: Storm
Photos of Melbourne's storm
Scroll down for a video. -Orsm
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Why we carry guns in Alaska
An excellent choice on his handgun : Ruger .454 Casull
Poor bear. -Orsm |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Real breasts
Thought you might like some pics of real breasts. Please hide my info!
High marks have been awarded for symmetry and size. -Orsm
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Mike wrote:
Subject: blind
Your next deer blind.
For the hunter who has everything... -Orsm |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Isn't nature awesome!
Isn't nature awesome! I'd feel remiss if these photos weren't forwarded to all that could appreciate the essence of nature and love that flow from them. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: pics
Great site man! Check out these pics... some girl I used to fuck! Hide my details please. |
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lucas wrote:
Subject: Roadtrain Rollover
HOW TO WASH A ROADTRAIN
I'm no expert but there was probably easier way to do it. -Orsm |
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Supaduck wrote:
Subject: Union of prayers and great hope
Chile earthquake aftermath |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: flying 101
Orsm you sexy thang.. long time reader and emailer. dont know the full story with theses but it explains itself. im sure you know how to google. NO deets plz. |
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| GF REVENGE |
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ORSM
VIDEO
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED
Your last name stays put. Blame the civilization of a thousand years ago. The garage is all yours.Wedding plans take care of themselves. Since when has a woman ASKED for a man's opinion on the wedding?? You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5,000. Tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. When was the last time you tried on a pair of men's shoes? One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. A 5-day vacation requires two suitcases for a mature man. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one colour for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can do your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. Chocolate is just another snack.
| VENDULA |
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A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is superb. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes CL and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips".
He continued "This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull shittin' me!" The worker said, "Yeah, well, you started it!"
| SEX EXPLAINED WITH PENS |
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A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast. To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, "E-G-G". "Very good", says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast. "T-O-A-S-T". "Excellent."
Little Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him. "I had Bugger all", he says, "B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L". The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions. Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada's east coast.
When it's Little Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, "Where is the Pakistani border?" Johnny ponders the question and finally says, "The Pakistani border is in bed with my mother. That's why I got Bugger all for breakfast".
ORSM
VIDEO
Done and done. Some substantial hours in this update. If it fails to satisfy then please let me know so I can try harder next week but until then, this...
- Check out the site archives. You will fucking shit yourself when you see them.
- Next update will be next Thursday. Already looking so good that you will fucking shit if you miss it
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll post photos of you fucking shitting yourself in Reader Mail.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and please don't ever lend your car to Colin Bradley Little. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
