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Welcome to Orsm.net. Boom-shaka-laka.
I say this in the hope I don't jinx myself but we're getting towards the tail end of two consecutive weeks of awesome. Everything going my way lately is a feeling I'm enjoying cautiously. The best part is it should only get better from here... at least for the duration of February anyway.
The next four weekends are fully booked with a buck's party this Saturday, a wedding on each of the subsequent weekends, friends back in town and the possibility of the Good Vibes Festival thrown in for good measure. I figure no matter what happens at least there'll be some serious boozing. I just wish it was hotter. We haven't had rain for a few months, something I cherish when it comes to vehicular vanity, but the scorching days are few and far between lately. The weather is just 'pleasant'. Fingers crossed we get nailed in the next month or two.
Let's just jump right into some sort of coverage of the last week shall we? It's no secret my ego only survives in the knowledge that hundreds of thousands of you guys flock here to read about my goings-on...
Saturday started off with a trip to the dog beach - our first since my poor pooch had a bingle with another mutt leaving a huge gash in her leg. Good to get on the sand again and with 'pleasant' conditions people and dogs were sparse compared to usual. From there it was home to get cleaned up and then off to do the standard weekly shop although what should have been a thirty minute zip in and out turned into several hours of bumping into friends, socialising and the phone ringing constantly. What can I say - when you're popular, you're popular...
Sunday was a madhouse. Surprising no-one I dragged myself out of bed early to wash the car before heading off to meet my cousins new bub... the first on that side of my family, compared to eleven on the other side. The point is it's more of a big deal. The other point is everyone around me is either popping out fuck trophies or getting married or both. Cute baby though and I can't remember the last time I felt quite so creepy as when I went into the nursery which just happened to be full of numerous topless women being suckled upon. Literally nowhere to look without hitting big milk filled boob and in the spilt second it takes you to realise what you're actually looking at, the boob owner was already glaring back. Even for a breast connoisseur like myself it was all too much.
From there it was a dash back to base so I could seize upon the opportunity of someone with a tow ball to move an old mattress from my house. This is why tow ball, ute or truck ownership is a bad thing - once your friends find out and there goes your weekends. I segued the delivery of the damn thing into a cruise. Absolutely superb warm day outside so did the long lap down and back up the coast via the Big Day Out. Did anyone go? I need to go next year... if not least for the scenery. Honestly can't remember the last time I saw chicks wearing so little or looking so slutty. Keep up the good work girls!
The other thing to come out of my little lap around town was the number of people driving expensive luxury cars, particularly BMW's. Any signs of a recession or cautious spending seem to be gone with an X5 or 3-series everywhere you turn. I must be doing something wrong. I don't want one anyway so whatever...
We hit the pub later in the afternoon. Not insanely busy which was probably attributable to the BDO sucking forty thousand people out of the population but if still a frickin' awesome way to round out the weekend. Oh I do love summer.
And with that it's time to get busy with the update. It's both incredible and disgusting how many hours this puppy sucked out of my life this week so if you don't enjoy it then I sincerely hope you go fuck yourself. Check it...
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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well... she's there."
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband, "but she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
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Kids know far too much these days. This morning whilst in the doctors waiting room, I saw a little girl playing with her Barbie & Ken dolls imitating the doggy position. I bent down and told her, "You'll end up with little baby dolls if you keep doing that". She replied, "I don't think so. He's doing her up the arse!"
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I've just put a deposit down on a new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said "I can't wait for the new 911" and now 4000 Muslims have added me as a friend!
ORSM
VIDEO
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asks her sympathetically, "whatever's the matter, pet?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning, I got a "phone call saying that my mother had passed away".
The boss, feeling incredibly sorry for her, says "There, there. Look, why don't you go home for the rest of the day? Or take the rest of the week even? Just take some time off to relax and get some rest".
"Thanks, boss, but I think I'll be better off here" says the blonde. "I need to keep my mind off it and the best chance I have of doing that is if I stay here and get on with some work".
Her boss reluctantly agrees and a couple of hours pass by before he decides to check on her again.
When he sees her, she is crying hysterically once more. "Are you sure you're OK?" he asks her. "No", exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible phone call from my sister and her mum has just died too".
| LET'S HEAR IT FOR CAROL |
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Guy walks in to a pub and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says. "You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "Get out of here before I get my husband!"
The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off." She says, "You dirty filthy pervert! You're banned. Get out!!"
Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance," says the barmaid, "Now - what do you want?" "I want to turn you upside down, tear your knickers off and fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs off to fetch her husband. "What's up love?" he asks. "There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off", she says. "I'll kill him! Where is he?" storms the Husband.
"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams. "Right. He's dead!" says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries! The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on. "Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically. "Look love, I'm not messing with any bloke who can drink 15 pints of Guinness..."
ORSM
VIDEO
| DARE DORM |
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OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF MEN...
"I'M GOING FISHING" means "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"IT'S A GUY THING" means "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" means "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"
"UH HUH SURE, HONEY," or "YES, DEAR..." means absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" means "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." means "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD." means "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." means "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS" means "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES" means "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS! I JUST CUT MYSELF IT'S NO BIG DEAL" means "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."
"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING" means "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon."
"I CAN'T FIND IT" means "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" means "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU" means "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE" means "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realise it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC" means ""Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE" means "No one will ever see us alive again."
| SELF SHOT HOTTIES |
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich then?" The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
| CAVIAR |
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READER MAIL
Mail mail... tonnes of it. At this point the only way I'll ever get through the backlog is to start another website. This of course means more to choose from which means quality content for your dirty little fingers. It's win/win.
That said, I often get emails from you guys telling me you would send more stuff but don't because I've probably already seen it. Dudes - that's what the delete button is for. Believe me I know how to use it. Honestly it doesn't worry me if you want to bombard me with the most stupid, inane shit imaginable. It's all welcome and all good. Just click here and make an Orsm happy.
Chris wrote:
Subject: Pitch invader
Mate what's going on out west? Some homeless fucktard gets himself all sauced up, runs out on the pitch and tackles a professional sportsman who's just trying to do his best to represent his country (all the while with a ridiculous shit-eating grin on his face) and all the bludger gets is a $500 fine and a "please don't come back"? In Sydney that oxygen thief would've at least copped a $5500 fine and I'm pretty sure security would've socked the piece of shit a few times on the way off the ground. What this situation really highlights is an urgent need for the return of Andrew Symonds to international cricket. A meaty Symmo shoulder to the face would have sorted that dole bludging cunt out quick smart. The most sickening part is that the chromosomally-challenged hobo's mates probably all think he's a champion and are putting in $50 each to help with the "fine." |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: Response to Brent's number game...
Sup man. Just wanted to say great mind puzzle. You gotta add the two numbers together and multiply it by the first number and wallah - While normally content to solve puzzles and keep it to myself, I just found it interesting that I JUST smoked a bowl of kine bud before trying it. Im STONED and I
figured it out on the first try. AND im an American. 'Nuff said. Seeya man, keep it up the good work! No details plz..
Added some names of people who asked to in an updated version here. Will not be adding any more sorry. -Orsm
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: "PISS OFF" rant
Hey ORSM,
In response to the author-unknown "PISS OFF" rant from last week, it takes a special kind of retard to firstly object to being called racist, and then immediately tell Indians, Japanese, Muslims, Sri Lankans, Croations and the English to get out of what he considers his country. The only kind of people Australia needs less of are bogans, it's just a shame no other country would be willing to take them off us. (Before anyone asks, I was born here, as were my parents, my grandparents, and I'm not sure how far back after that. NOT THAT IT SHOULD MAKE A DIFFERENCE.) |
Ian wrote:
Subject: Re the PISS OFF dialogue
G'Day Mr. Orsm. That's one of the best things I have read in a long time, you'll get a lot of complaints about it, but fuck em! It's about time all this political correctness bullshit is thrown out the window. What ever happened to free speech in this country? All these other countries are great at criticising, but stick it to them and all they do is whine, As Ronnie Johns/Chooper says, Harden the fuck up! |
Arland wrote:
Subject: Airport/Border Security
Pure Genius, Here's a solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners. Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you. It would be a win-win for everyone. |
Micah wrote:
Subject: LULZ
So the wife and I were watching to catch a predator and this guy "sent lude pictures of his penis to an operator posing as a 13 year old girl." They forgot to blur part of the picture....
Can't be...? -Orsm
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Bruce wrote:
Subject: New drink
Cheers from Canada. I don't suppose this drink would sell very well in Australia.
Drinking this will make you complain like a little bitch. -Orsm
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Mike wrote:
Subject: brewery
Gday mate, loved your Australia day pics, we've got a unicorn brewery here in Manchester its been going since the late 19th century and still family owned
CHEERS to Brad who graciously supplied me with the beer in the first place.
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Shane wrote:
Subject: Kentucky has some road problems
Might be a good day NOT to drive... |
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Johnny wrote:
Subject: MR 1337 Crash
Hey, Saw this funny crash involving a red head, red lancer, red license plate of MR 1337.... obviously not that 1337. Cheers
He pretty much sealed his fate when he bought the plates. -Orsm
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ejh3 wrote:
Subject: Inguinal Hernia. All this from coughing.
I had a heavy cough. Bad. Coughed repeatedly for a couple of weeks and finally went to the dr's. He said I had broncotius. 2 weeks after that, my groin area started to swell. Went to the Dr's office again. Inguinal Hernia. From Coughing. The picture is the result of the hernia surgery from 2 days ago. All from Coughing... WTF.... PS: My nuts are swollen and discolored. A picture for another day... |
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xitz wrote:
Subject: England, can you believe it?
You mAy think I am playing with your leg, but no, I am not...
If you were observant this was in the the West Australia on 28/1/2010.
One may think this UNUSUAL, but when you think about it...
The Queen of the realm with a husband who opens his mouth before putting his brain in gear.
The heir to the throne who loves horses, married a divorcee who looks like a horse and has a son who isn't his son.
And the second successor to the throne who can't get a job outside the Army?
Long may we sing "RULE BRITTANIA' |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: reader mail
What up from California, land of the criminals. This pic should help some wogs or whatever you call them down there. Hide the info mate. |
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: WATCH THE ROAD!!!
Of all the assholes that we see on the road, I think this is my favorite |
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Power Tripper wrote:
Subject: Fisheries Boat
Fisheries on patrol Coral Bay.
You gotta watch out for those freak waves. Anywhere, anytime. -Orsm |
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Eduardo wrote:
Subject: Fail! Fiestas en Palmares!
*GETTING SUPER DRUNK ....... $200.00.
*LEAVING THE PARTY IN YOUR COMPANY CAR ....... $0.00.
*MOTEL ROOM....... $0.00.
*CONDOM .......$5.00.
Waking up in broad daylight with people taking pictures of you, sleeping naked with the condom still on in your company car ....... PRICELESS!
Translated this the best I could.
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: crazy ho
Met this one online. Fucks like a madwoman until she tells me to sod off. She is from Jackson, Mississippi. No info please. |
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Brent wrote:
Subject: Dallas Copper Thieves
Hey my friend just e-mailed me this. Haven't seen it on your site. It says these two guys were attempting to steal copper wires in Dallas, Texas, but little did they know at the time that it was connected to 13,200 volts of electricity! |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: justis girl
please dont show my info.
Info hidden, vagina shown. -Orsm |
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Labrador wrote:
Subject: Dive Trip
Some pics from my dive trip to the Abrolhos Islands Last week.
Spectacular. -Orsm
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Bill wrote:
Subject: Bugatti Water Car From Texas Now
I don't know if I ever told you, but I am what they call in the states a "high dollar loss" insurance adjuster. Not bad actually flying all over the states, that's why I get all those wrecked car pictures. If a job comes about taking pictures of wrecked (drunk) chicks, ill put a good word in for you mate. Remember the Bugatti that the retard drove into a saltwater lake? Here a few of the insurance photos from the loss. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Some chick from Tumblr.com
Basically, shes a fucking slut, and she deserves to have her pictures spread around. no details please. |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Today's Video
Some of the Grunts will remember that the 60 in the sixties came with an asbestos glove and extra barrels. Fully auto; it went through barrels real quick and you could tell because the barrel got red hot and the rounds lost trajectory... |
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Mike wrote:
Subject: Lighting up the bad guys
You are right... I like this better then "nanny nation" helmet cameras. Had a guy acting up near Melbourne yesterday at the hospital here. They called the Rockledge PD and they could not control him either and tasered him. He died... now the media is screaming and the PD is investigating. Damn if you do; damn if you don't... wonder if jesse, al, etc. are on their way... |
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Stuart wrote:
Subject: Welcome to the Highlands & the snow...
Diary of a Londoner who moves to the Highlands. The language is a bit naughty, but the story is funny... See attached. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: bridge collapse
Hey Orsm, Love the site! This is the video captured by city-wide surveillance camera system in
Istanbul, Turkey. This incident happened on 26.01.2010 on one of the main highways. The driver had no idea that he was driving the truck's damper raised. When it hit the highway-pass, a section of the bridge collapsed, along with the people inside. Notice the person on the "left" side of the bridge freezing in his tracks, seeing the truck drive like that, and without even having a chance to react, collapse with the bridge! He was injured, no fatalities. The fact that there was snow & ice that they meant less traffic than normal, most probably averting a much more serious disaster. |
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| DARE DORM |
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ORSM
VIDEO
An Englishman's wife steps up to the first tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any," she replied.The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers! Why not?" "I can't afford any on the money you give me" she protests. He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet Mudder, Maggie! Where the fook are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any!" The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says "Well, fer the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
| TORY LANE |
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A blonde went into a post office to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $10 she exclaimed "I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother." The man, eyebrow arched deviously asked "Anything?". "Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees." She did. "Now take down my zipper." She did. "Now go ahead... Take it out..." he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands. Then paused… the man closed his eyes and whispered... "Well... go ahead." The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips tentatively and said "Hello. Mum... can you hear me?"
| MISTY MORNINGS |
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A couple is newly married and they love each other very much. Unfortunately, they get in a terrible car accident and although the man emerges from the wreckage unhurt, his wife is seriously injured and falls into a coma.
Devastated, the man waits by his wife's bedside 24 hours a day cleaning her and changing her diapers. Months pass and the woman's condition does not change. The man fears the worst.
One day after months of waiting, the man gets bored and feels up his wife's breast as it had been ages since he'd had any sexual contact. The wife suddenly arches her back and gives out a moan. Shocked and excited he rushes out the door to find a doctor.
The man explains what happened to the doctor and the doctor responds: "Sir, that's absolutely amazing. Perhaps it is sexual stimulation that will bring your wife out of the coma. Sir, I would like you to continue with this experiment. Please, have oral sex with your wife and see if she responds. I'll wait outside the room until you're done"
So the doctor steps out to give the couple some privacy. They wait for several minutes. Suddenly the man rushes from the room crying and is inconsolable. The doctor grabs the man and asks what happened?
The man looks at the doctor "Doctor my wife is dead. I had oral sex with her as you asked... and now she's gone." The doctor asks "But... how is that possible?" The man replies "She choked..."
ORSM
VIDEO
Wake up... it's time to go...
- Check out the site archives. Because you want to.
- Next update will potentially be next Thursday.
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and be excellent to eachother. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
