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Welcome to Orsm.net. And THAT'S why God gave us pencils with erasers...
Things have been eerily normal this week. For this I'm grateful and it reminds me that the cooler months approaching will put the kibosh on things social. It is all the calm before the storm however. Next couple of weekends are quiet but the one after is a trip down south for a wedding, the Easter weekend which is already a fully booked mess of family stuff and two bucks parties and then back down south for five days again for another wedding with a trip back home in the middle for you guessed it - another wedding. My brain, wallet and liver are sore just thinking about it.
At this point I'm going to skip the lively social commentary and slip straight into my week. The reason for this is I have somewhere else to be and even though it's well known you guys pretty much only come here to read what I think about stuff, I'm needed elsewhere.
Saturday I woke up with a spring in my step, happy that there wasn't really anything on. First port of call was dog beach which is clearly the best way to start any day. It's also better down there now which I assume is due to people feeling like summer is almost over and less inclined to clog the place up with their stupid dogs. My dog of course - not stupid.
Got home a few hours later ready to embark on a small DIY carpentry project at a mates place [which I've been putting off for a few months..] but with even the slightest hint of a better offer that silly idea was quickly quashed. Instead I got a guided tour of a friend's new workplace. Admittedly doesn't sound all that exciting but if you could actually see the place you'd be impressed too - big, brand new everything, high tech, modern and totally fucking cool. Kind of like a local version of Google offices but at the same time nowhere near as good. If this website thing falls through I'm heading down there to beg for a job.
The rest of the afternoon was whittled down fixing [read: swearing at] my computers. Both PC's and laptop required hardware repairs which are no big deal but if you've ever had to reinstall Windows on to a Vaio notebook you'll understand where I'm coming from. As much as I love the damn thing it is absolutely fucking ridiculous. Updates after updates after updates to get it set up. The geniuses down at Sony may want to consider some sort of function that automagically installs the fifty-plus drivers to save people from doing each one individually... and if someone emails me and says there's a way to do that you'd better duck because I'll launch the thing at your face.
That evening was my first one in for five weeks. Shot down all invitations of going to various things with various friends and parked it on the couch to enjoy the time to myself while the rest of the city it seemed were rocking the AC/DC concert. Kind of wish I'd gone after stepping outside too - I live about 9kms from where the concert was held and could hear it clearly... well enough that I could sing along to 'Shook Me All Night Long'. Incredible. Probably sucked for all the oldies who live around there though.
The morning of Sunday began with more [non-optional] dog related activities. Not entirely sure what caused it but at some point during the night there was a poo emergency and a very large, very wet shit was dumped on the only bit of carpet in the entire house. Nasty although as hideous as the carpet is I probably could have left it and all you would have noticed is the smell.
Proceeded to lovingly rub down and laud attention on my car for the next few hours followed by some also non-optional gardening. So gay. I need to figure out a way to illegally import cheap labour enabling me to flout worker entitlements laws. Any ideas? Let me know.
Okay that'll do for the babble. What you will find below is an update I am quite happy with. Some suck, this one doesn't. So without further ado - check it...
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Two men in a pub and one is riding a Bucking Bronco machine. He lasts over 10 minutes. "Geeeeez mate, that was impressive!" his mate says. "I get lots of practice" replied the other guy, "My wife's an epileptic"...
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I was at an ATM when an old lady came up and asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.
--
Roy, the poofta, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says "Roy, I'm not going to beat around the bush you have AIDS." Roy is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?" Doc says "Eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of Cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno Peppers, 40 walnuts, 40 peanuts, a box of All Bran, and top it off with a litre of prune juice". Roy asks bewildered, "Will that cure me, Doc?" Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ARSE is for!"
--
I had a dog named Minton who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks. Bad Minton.
ORSM
VIDEO
LETTERS TO THE ED
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I.
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'n' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?
Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son with the same name who lives with us. Close call.
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loses around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.
I was shocked to hear the Home Secretary say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.
Why don't hospitals start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London. That's because he flew bombers for the Luftwaffe.
Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue serving those fat fuckers? It's hardly fair.
We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and pissed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.
These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down.
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. John, Liverpool
The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.
They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.
If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?
I recently bought a fridge freezer from Curry's, and after I had paid for it, they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I might be able to give them a six hour slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that my house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it, Curry's?
I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.
I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is... who's sending the other one?
My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?
I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both.
Supermarkets... help promote healthy living by putting your cakes, ice creams, pies etc. in aisles that are too narrow for fatties to fit through.
Every time I use my local cash point, the screen says 'You have not been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I find without fail that I have had ten pounds debited for every tenner I withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in.
I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
| LEXI BELLE |
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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son, what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??" His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!"
ORSM
VIDEO
| DARE DORM |
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A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:
"I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked. "That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
| BUT I WAS BUSTING... |
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BBQ RULES
It is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
ROUTINE:
1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
4. The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
HERE COMES THE IMPORTANT PART:
5. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
MORE ROUTINE:
6. The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
7. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
IMPORTANT AGAIN:
8. THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
MORE ROUTINE:
9. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
10. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
AND MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL:
11. Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
12. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
| WEIRD HOUSES |
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READER MAIL
If you've never submitted something then don't be shy - I almost never bite and rarely publish an email address unless the sender is a complete and utter cocksmoker. We're always on the lookout for just about anything you can staple to an email including funny videos, ex or current girlfriend pornography, jokes, random pictures or pretty much anything you think is entertaining. All you gotta do is click here.
Warman wrote:
Subject: The car....
The old car you are lusting for (March 04, 2010 update) looks like a 1956 Chrysler 300. [This] is another shot of the same car.
No less than 463 million emails from you guys about this - thanks. The car is 1956 Chrysler 300B. More info on the build here, here and here. Now if I can just find one in the US, import to AU and convert to RHD I'll be on my way to happiness. -Orsm
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Michael wrote:
Subject: Obama Signs
The Obama signs with the changing messages are somewhere in
Colorado. I haven't found where (yet), but sadly, we have a Rep. Salazar
and Sen. Udall (who is a major douchebag, by the way).
Anyone? Email me. -Orsm |
<with held> wrote:
Subject: chat roulette picture
that pic is from stile project when stile hung himself. its been floating around for years. its fake. without info please. |
Shane wrote:
Subject: Bingle
Bingle in the shower
Who didn't see this coming? -Orsm
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Toby B wrote:
Subject: News.com ad
Hey buddy... saw this ad on News.com today and thought shit i better grab a screen shot of this for Orsm.... LOL what a great placement !! Keep up the good work Toby B |
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T-Pol wrote:
Subject: Cure for migraine (Oppas...dis Vrydag)
Although NOT approved by the A.M.A. or Medicare, everyone who has tried this remedy had only good reaction to the results! If you suffer from Migraines- try this I had a bastard
of a headache I tried this and in 2 minutes it was totally forgotten! You can also hear the ocean. |
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Mario N wrote:
Subject: Pics
hi. interesting pics for beer lovers who have no time to bring empty bottles back :) greetings from germany |
Mark wrote:
Subject: Strange bus ad.
Hi, This ad is doing the rounds on Sydney buses at the moment. I'm not sure if it's a parody or not. It's not even Engrish. Either way, it's odd. "Love needs distance"?? |
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mike wrote:
Subject: a quick buff up and alls well
It used to be a Statesman once upon a time , dont know what it hit but it did a job on it
Would have looked something like this. -Orsm |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Oh my God, we're going to get another 2 feet of snow!
This is what 2 feet of snow looks like.....unreal!!!!
Now we know. -Orsm
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Obi wrote:
Subject: DVD Cover in Vietnam
Hey Orsm.. How are you going? Another something I found in my travels in Vietnam? Have a look at the cover for this DVD I found... especially the top line.. Sort of gets right to the point... Keep up the good work.. |
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Matt wrote:
Subject: Labia - Open Daily
Spotted on a recent trip to Cape Town. Keep up the good work.
Have been trying to work this out... all I can come up with is some relationship between stage curtains and meat curtains... -Orsm
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Keith wrote:
Subject: Do you have a pair?
Saw these the other day on another web site as part of some fashion show. The obvious question is do they come in different sizes and colours?
Good question... I would DEFINITELY need a longer one because my penis is so huge. -Orsm |
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Joe wrote:
Subject: for emergency
Hey orsm, I just discovered this site and it's pretty damn entertaining. Thought I'd contribute a picture at an old apartment complex I used to live at. |
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Roberto wrote:
Subject: South African RunFlat tyres (Seen at SAA Parking lot)
Got these from a mate in SA. Gotta love the new eco friendly design, definitely green construction. Loving the site, keep up the good work :-)
Managed to get the car home at least. Points are awarded. -Orsm
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marc wrote:
Subject: tiger snake i stepped on
Hi ORSM! Love your site!!! Keep up the great work!!! Been viewing your site now for years!!!! Here is one of the most brightly colourd tiger snakes ever seen!!! I was fishing a area in perth with my girlfreind and while walking through the grass I felt this guy shoot out from under my thong!!! Very lucky not to get bitten. (must of known im from Lockridge and not to mess with a locko local haha) Seen the snake shoot into the water, I ran and grabbed my dslr with 70-300 zoom and snapped these shots. |
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Mr G & Mrs G wrote:
Subject: Booty
Hey Mr. Orsm, Long time, wait.. make it loooooooong time reader...first time contributor. I think i have been hooked onto ur website since last 5-6 years easily...the site provides all that a guy wants i.e. porn, corny jokes, random facts and random shite !! [I am] sending a couple of pix of me and my hot wife having fun. Post them if you like them....i have got more. Cheers and keep rocking !! |
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Larry wrote:
Subject: 1950 Chevy w/ 437 actual miles scroll down to see engine and insides
You might well have seen this before, but, if so, we all know what the delete button is for. Definitely not classic American muscle car, but unique. I've gathered from the blog , you're a "gearhead" for certain. I'm a very long time pro automotive tech, and my current toy project is a 64 1/2' Austin Healey Sprite MK III. 35K original miles and was stored for over 20 years. 8 months of busted knuckles to get it moving under its own steam again, but I got to drive it for the first time a week ago. A little piece of classic Brit iron. |
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Brendan wrote:
Subject: RS Cool Grafitti Pics
Hey man, Some graffiti pics I snapped while out and about. I didn't take Leprechaun one though, that's from Dublin, Ireland where the economy is severely in the toilet. Happy St. Patrick's Day week after next - 17th March. |
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Terry wrote:
Subject: Special Friend
A lady in Harrisburg has a cat who has a special friend that visits every morning. She finally took pics. |
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OneMan wrote:
Subject: What a toy
Me wants one of these... :-) I wonder if you could make it road legal. Of course you could, doesn't give a price though.
If you have to ask you probably can't afford it. -Orsm
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Lucas wrote:
Subject: The NEW IMPROVED RSA
We were living in Berea whilst I was studying at WITS and Hillbrow was our playground, what a shame. I cannot believe that the so-called poor can do this to a lovely part of the city that they received for free. This is the NEW South Africa.... Do not go here if you want to live a day longer... This used to be a super clean affluent area that was a pleasure to go to.... Now it is a hell hole which the NEW inhabitants have created to suit their lifestyles past and present.... They could do this to any city in 12 months... Do believe that DEMOCRACY is real in South Africa... It is only on paper. |
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<with held> wrote:
Subject: Ex GF Pics.
Ex girlfriend pictures, enjoy. Please don't display my details! Thanks.
All I see is vagina. Not necessarily a bad thing. -Orsm |
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| DARE DORM |
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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup, buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her... then he married the one with the biggest tits.
ORSM
VIDEO
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on...
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her Husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realising what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said. He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON"T YOU EVER STOP?!"
| ZO ZEXY ZUZANA |
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RANDOM SHITE
Don't bother checking today's RS - it is really bad... is what I would write if that was the case but OBVIOUSLY I would be talking out of my ass and probably several other peoples asses too. The truth is today's RS is SO GOOD that if you hear voices coming from anyone's ass you should tell them to see a doctor. Check it...
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A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want". The Lord said, "That request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking - the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, "Okay, I wish that I, and all men, could understand our wives; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says "nothing's wrong" and how I can make a woman truly happy."
And the Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"
| DOLLAR BILL ORIGAMI |
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There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: shot, hanged or injected with AIDS virus for a slow death.
The German said, "Shoot me right in the head." BANG! He was dead instantly.
The Italian said, "Just hang me." SNAP! And he was gone.
Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Redneck said, "Give me another one of those shots!". So the guards did.
Now he was laughing so hard tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?" The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid. I've got a condom on!"
ORSM
VIDEO
And with that I'm done, done aaaaaand done. Just make sure you read this last bit...
- Check out the site archives. Otherwise years of carefully archiving every update was just a waste of my time.
- Next update will be next Thursday... or will it?
- Tell your friends, family, colleagues, co-workers and neighbours to check out ORSM-DOT-NET otherwise I'll bring my ex-friend Ray back. Just jokes. He is dead to me.
- Need to clear your conscience? Judge me? Want to fight me? Threaten me? Sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up? Show me the twins? Then go for it! Just make sure you email me here!
Until next time be good, stay off the chems and RIP Corey. We will all miss you even though everyone thought you died years ago. Enjoy. Mr. Orsm. |
